Role Reversals

Over the weekend I traveled to visit my parents. It was a time that reminded me of just how much our roles have reversed over the last several years.  I walked  into my dad's house and looked  around to see if he had food in the pantry and fridge.  I checked  the laundry and made mental notes of what I needed to do for him while I am there.

My husband and I joked as we walked through a local store purchasing items Dad needed.  The list included a new ironing board, a new mop, cleaning supplies and a dry erase/cork board to keep up with his doctor appointments, medications and insulin shots.  Our joke was that this felt much like the shopping trips made to send our children off to college.

Then I went to visit with Mom at the nursing home.  As I tried to feed her she was refusing to open her mouth.  When I told her to open her mouth she replied, "Shut up".  Humor is a useful tool so I applied it.  I looked into her eyes and and said, "Wait just a minute young lady.  You never allowed me to tell you to shut up so you can't tell me too.  Open your mouth and eat this food".  Surprisingly she did just that.

It is a fine line we walk in allowing them their dignity as they age.  It is very helpful to guide them into thinking things are their ideas rather than telling them what they need to do.  A few phone calls to nurses have worked wonders for us.  We can place a call ahead of a visit and explain what we are facing.  When the doctor and nurse make suggestions they carry way more weight than when we make the suggestions.  This also guides the medical team in knowing the questions they need to ask.  If you do not have a medical power of attorney, consider getting one.  At a minimum, have your parents sign forms allowing the medical providers to discuss the patient with you.

Honoring my parents can be difficult when they are being stubborn.  I have to remind myself that they made sacrifices for me and I know I was not always as appreciative as I should have been.  The roles are reversed but we still must work hard to love and respect where each of us now are.

Take Time to Enjoy Life

Years ago a song was popular entitled "You've Got To Stop and Smell the Roses". To endure the long road of saying goodbye to our loved one, we must take time to find some joy in life. For me I have found that frequent visits with my lively granddaughters always brings balance into my life. My heartaches are soothed by their hugs, laughter and antics. Over the last several months I have explored the zoo twice, danced, painted stepping stones, had tea parties, sewed for a doll, gone fishing, panned for gold and been smothered in hugs and kisses by these wonderful little girls. Find what encourages you and keeps you healthy. When in the car I have a favorite CD by Kari Jobe that ministered to my soul. A precious friend allows me to use her pool to do water aerobics. I am a better support to my parents when I take care of myself. Find the roses along your path and take time to stop and smell them.

Today I will take a lighter tone. Let me set this up by describing my Mom prior to Alzheimer's disease. She was always a no nonsense kind of person. The house was immaculate. She was very much about appearance and that included how her children acted in public. I am somewhat of an introvert and do not like drawing attention to myself. Now we fast forward to a scene last spring. I had been staying with Mom for a couple of days to give my dad a reprieve. He was returning home that evening. Mom's favorite outing was to go to Wendy's to get a hamburger and frosty. I had saved this for when I needed to pull it out of my toolbox of tricks to keep her calm and content. She was constantly asking where Dad was so we tried to redirect by going to Wendy's. Mom was settled at the table. She had eaten her burger and was sitting quietly at the table waiting on her frosty. I came back with two. She was struggling to feed herself and was refusing help. Needless to say, her frosty went off the table and rolled under it. To keep her from having an outburst I crawled under the table to recover it. (This is not an easy task for someone who is over 50). Then I heard giggles. I looked up and there was Mom peering under the table and waving at me. At this point all of my dignity was gone so I giggled and waved back. I told her that I would get her another one but she simply smiled and said, "I will just eat yours". She then did just that.

God Has Not Forgotten You

Isaiah 49:15-16 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. The time is approaching when I will walk in and Mom will not know who I am. There are days now that she seems confused about me. Recently she told her doctor that I was her sister. Being a mother I know the depth of a mother's love. The pain I feel is real. My hope and comfort come from knowing that God will never forget me. He will never forget you either. He sees the tears you shed when no one else is looking. He is awake with you on sleepless nights. The most comforting thoughts about this are that He never forgets our loved ones either. He is there with them as well. He sees their tears and can penetrate through the confusion to comfort them. Learn to rest in God's hands. It is the place to find peace and refreshing to face the next trial.

Life Lessons

Two things become more certain each year of my life. I will always encounter new challenges and have new things to learn as I face these challenges. God will be there with me each step of the way. Almost 5 years ago my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. The signs had been pointing toward that for several years prior to that day. Still it took my breathe away as the doctor said the words. Since then I have learned that holding the hands of my husband, my brother and sister-in-law and close friends gives me encouragement. Holding the hands of other caregivers gives me knowledge and comfort. Holding the hands of my parents keeps me connected with their hearts. Knowing God holds all of us gives me strength. The purpose of this blog is to offer friendship, knowledge, hope and comfort as I hold your hand. Please feel free to share your stories in the comment section. Feel free to invite other caregivers and families to this site. Together we will walk hand in hand. Some days we will laugh. Other days we will cry. Always we will be here for each other.