My heart was warmed today when I read this. Many do not know how to handle people who suffer from dementia. Bruges, Belgium, (population 117,000) has come up with a partial answer: remaking itself as a dementia-friendly city.
Throughout the town, shop owners have installed signs displaying a
knotted-handkerchief to show that they are places where people with
dementia can get extra help.
Anything we can do to make their lives more joyful is treasured. My own mother has always loved babies. When her Alzheimer's began to advance we still took her out to the mall to walk and out for meals. Mom would stop whenever she saw a baby and interact with the child. Parents would get nervous and did not know how to respond. Servers in restaurants would keep coming back asking my mom what she wanted to order. It occurred to me that I could alleviate some of the awkwardness by simply handing them a small business card saying, "Thank you for your patience with our family. My mom has memory problems. Please address questions to another adult at the table." I should have made cards stating that my mom has memory problems and has always loved babies. Thank you for showing her kindness.
Be creative in ways that will but others at ease and make the experience more pleasurable for all involved while on outings.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
A New Season Unfolds
As I sip my coffee while feeling the cool morning air and watching the first hints of autumn colors I sense that a season is changing with my mother as well. She is slipping away from me a little more each visit. Knowing this has made me look harder for the moments I can savor.
Even though she will give the name of one of her sisters when asked who I am, she still knows that I am her daughter. The name just escapes her. As I sit beside her and hold her hand or brush her hair, I talk to her. Every once in a while there will be a light in her eyes letting me know that she understands a little of what I am telling her.
On my last visit I kissed her cheek and said, "I love you". It thrilled my heart to hear her softly reply, "I love you". It is a rare moment when she can string three words together.
In my devotions and studying this month I was challenged with a statement that cut to the core of my being. It was that we need to savor the moments of care giving and not just endure them. As I reflected on this I knew that in the challenge of struggling with dressing Mom or handling one of her delusional moments I had shown love and patience but I had not savored the time. I had endured it.
Facing this reality caused me to ask myself how to change this. There is only one way that I have found. I have to allow myself to grieve the losses as they come. God can then heal my heart and strengthen me for the rest of the journey. Over time I have been doing this but I have stopped short of pushing in with God until I once again feel joy. God has made a provision for my comfort. After being comforted, I once again can experience the joy that I need to savor the moments of caregiving.
Even though she will give the name of one of her sisters when asked who I am, she still knows that I am her daughter. The name just escapes her. As I sit beside her and hold her hand or brush her hair, I talk to her. Every once in a while there will be a light in her eyes letting me know that she understands a little of what I am telling her.
On my last visit I kissed her cheek and said, "I love you". It thrilled my heart to hear her softly reply, "I love you". It is a rare moment when she can string three words together.
In my devotions and studying this month I was challenged with a statement that cut to the core of my being. It was that we need to savor the moments of care giving and not just endure them. As I reflected on this I knew that in the challenge of struggling with dressing Mom or handling one of her delusional moments I had shown love and patience but I had not savored the time. I had endured it.
Facing this reality caused me to ask myself how to change this. There is only one way that I have found. I have to allow myself to grieve the losses as they come. God can then heal my heart and strengthen me for the rest of the journey. Over time I have been doing this but I have stopped short of pushing in with God until I once again feel joy. God has made a provision for my comfort. After being comforted, I once again can experience the joy that I need to savor the moments of caregiving.
Praise to the God of All Comfort 2Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.Sunday, August 18, 2013
Why My Hair Is Graying
A little over a year ago I received a phone call one evening from my dad. He told me that mom seemed agitated and that he sensed she was about to get mad at him. He was a little anxious himself because her behavior had started to change and she was having episodes in the late afternoon and evenings when she would yell or hit him.
I told dad to just remain calm and to try to keep the environment at home as peaceful as possible. Then I settled in with my hubby on the sofa to watch a movie. Since we live 6 hours away that was all I could do besides pray. We had prayed before turning the movie on.
A couple of hours later my phone rang again. I answered and heard my dad say,"Donna, just stay on the phone. Don't hang up." Then he quit talking. I said " Dad " several times calmly and got no response. The next sounds I heard were radios with static and men talking. I clearly heard the words knife, blood, and where is she now. At this point I was yelling into the phone and trembling in fear. My heart pounded as my mind raced. My husband grabbed his phone to call their local 911. Then the line went dead on my phone.
While my husband was talking to 911, I was calling my parents' neighbors. They were out of town. I called a couple who lived near my parents. They agreed to rush over and check on them.
When I called my dad back he answered calmly. I frantically asked if he was alright. He said, "yeah why ". I told him to step out on the porch so he could talk freely and motioned for my husband to let 911 know they were alright and no one needed to respond. I then began to quiz my dad about his earlier call. He replied that they were watching a crime show. He didn't want mom yelling at him so he had called me and then held the phone out for her to see so she wouldn't yell. To him it was a coping mechanism. To me it was a nightmare. Just imagine the scene playing out in my head when I overheard the crime scene conversation thinking that it was real and in their living room!
I hung up quickly to call their friends and tell them it was a false alarm. Then I collapsed on the sofa from the excitement. I think I aged 10 years in those few short minutes.
It did give me a little taste of what living with Alzheimer's Disease can be like. For a few brief moments that crime scene was my reality. My husband responded to that reality appropriately by calling for help. We have to accept that our loved one's reality is very true to them and respond in a way that meets their needs in their reality.
Prayer for today:
God, we thank you for being by our side when we walk in the midst of trials and storms. Give us wisdom to know how to respond to meet the needs of those we love so dearly. Give us calm when the road gets rocky.
Give us nerves of steel on the days that can stretch us and age us.
I told dad to just remain calm and to try to keep the environment at home as peaceful as possible. Then I settled in with my hubby on the sofa to watch a movie. Since we live 6 hours away that was all I could do besides pray. We had prayed before turning the movie on.
A couple of hours later my phone rang again. I answered and heard my dad say,"Donna, just stay on the phone. Don't hang up." Then he quit talking. I said " Dad " several times calmly and got no response. The next sounds I heard were radios with static and men talking. I clearly heard the words knife, blood, and where is she now. At this point I was yelling into the phone and trembling in fear. My heart pounded as my mind raced. My husband grabbed his phone to call their local 911. Then the line went dead on my phone.
While my husband was talking to 911, I was calling my parents' neighbors. They were out of town. I called a couple who lived near my parents. They agreed to rush over and check on them.
When I called my dad back he answered calmly. I frantically asked if he was alright. He said, "yeah why ". I told him to step out on the porch so he could talk freely and motioned for my husband to let 911 know they were alright and no one needed to respond. I then began to quiz my dad about his earlier call. He replied that they were watching a crime show. He didn't want mom yelling at him so he had called me and then held the phone out for her to see so she wouldn't yell. To him it was a coping mechanism. To me it was a nightmare. Just imagine the scene playing out in my head when I overheard the crime scene conversation thinking that it was real and in their living room!
I hung up quickly to call their friends and tell them it was a false alarm. Then I collapsed on the sofa from the excitement. I think I aged 10 years in those few short minutes.
It did give me a little taste of what living with Alzheimer's Disease can be like. For a few brief moments that crime scene was my reality. My husband responded to that reality appropriately by calling for help. We have to accept that our loved one's reality is very true to them and respond in a way that meets their needs in their reality.
Prayer for today:
God, we thank you for being by our side when we walk in the midst of trials and storms. Give us wisdom to know how to respond to meet the needs of those we love so dearly. Give us calm when the road gets rocky.
Give us nerves of steel on the days that can stretch us and age us.
Friday, August 16, 2013
I spent several days last week completing an online course with the Alzheimer's Association about the CARES approach to caregiving. While I did not acquire a lot of new information, I did see videos showing beautiful examples of how to connect as a caregiver.
One of the best ways we can connect with our loved ones who have Alzheimer's is to remember that they live in their own reality. We cannot change that reality. We should not attempt to argue. We must accept it and go with it. It is frustrating for us when we live in a different reality and so want them in it with us. Our sacrifice of love is to forgo that desire and become a part of their world.
My own mother now lives in her past. I think she remembers sisters and parents more than her children and grandchildren. When she asks about where her mother is I respond with an answer that could have explained where she might have been when my mother lived at home. Often I tell her she is cooking, doing laundry, visiting a neighbor and babysitting for one of her daughters.
A gift I can give my mother is to share family history and stories with her caregivers at the nursing home. By providing them with information, they can find ways to comfort Mom when she is distressed.
Today I pray that God opens your eyes to better ways to connect with your love one. Those moments help ease the pain of saying goodbye.
One of the best ways we can connect with our loved ones who have Alzheimer's is to remember that they live in their own reality. We cannot change that reality. We should not attempt to argue. We must accept it and go with it. It is frustrating for us when we live in a different reality and so want them in it with us. Our sacrifice of love is to forgo that desire and become a part of their world.
My own mother now lives in her past. I think she remembers sisters and parents more than her children and grandchildren. When she asks about where her mother is I respond with an answer that could have explained where she might have been when my mother lived at home. Often I tell her she is cooking, doing laundry, visiting a neighbor and babysitting for one of her daughters.
A gift I can give my mother is to share family history and stories with her caregivers at the nursing home. By providing them with information, they can find ways to comfort Mom when she is distressed.
Today I pray that God opens your eyes to better ways to connect with your love one. Those moments help ease the pain of saying goodbye.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Role Reversals
Over the weekend I traveled to visit my parents. It was a time that reminded me of just how much our roles have reversed over the last several years. I walked into my dad's house and looked around to see if he had food in the pantry and fridge. I checked the laundry and made mental notes of what I needed to do for him while I am there.
My husband and I joked as we walked through a local store purchasing items Dad needed. The list included a new ironing board, a new mop, cleaning supplies and a dry erase/cork board to keep up with his doctor appointments, medications and insulin shots. Our joke was that this felt much like the shopping trips made to send our children off to college.
Then I went to visit with Mom at the nursing home. As I tried to feed her she was refusing to open her mouth. When I told her to open her mouth she replied, "Shut up". Humor is a useful tool so I applied it. I looked into her eyes and and said, "Wait just a minute young lady. You never allowed me to tell you to shut up so you can't tell me too. Open your mouth and eat this food". Surprisingly she did just that.
It is a fine line we walk in allowing them their dignity as they age. It is very helpful to guide them into thinking things are their ideas rather than telling them what they need to do. A few phone calls to nurses have worked wonders for us. We can place a call ahead of a visit and explain what we are facing. When the doctor and nurse make suggestions they carry way more weight than when we make the suggestions. This also guides the medical team in knowing the questions they need to ask. If you do not have a medical power of attorney, consider getting one. At a minimum, have your parents sign forms allowing the medical providers to discuss the patient with you.
Honoring my parents can be difficult when they are being stubborn. I have to remind myself that they made sacrifices for me and I know I was not always as appreciative as I should have been. The roles are reversed but we still must work hard to love and respect where each of us now are.
My husband and I joked as we walked through a local store purchasing items Dad needed. The list included a new ironing board, a new mop, cleaning supplies and a dry erase/cork board to keep up with his doctor appointments, medications and insulin shots. Our joke was that this felt much like the shopping trips made to send our children off to college.
Then I went to visit with Mom at the nursing home. As I tried to feed her she was refusing to open her mouth. When I told her to open her mouth she replied, "Shut up". Humor is a useful tool so I applied it. I looked into her eyes and and said, "Wait just a minute young lady. You never allowed me to tell you to shut up so you can't tell me too. Open your mouth and eat this food". Surprisingly she did just that.
It is a fine line we walk in allowing them their dignity as they age. It is very helpful to guide them into thinking things are their ideas rather than telling them what they need to do. A few phone calls to nurses have worked wonders for us. We can place a call ahead of a visit and explain what we are facing. When the doctor and nurse make suggestions they carry way more weight than when we make the suggestions. This also guides the medical team in knowing the questions they need to ask. If you do not have a medical power of attorney, consider getting one. At a minimum, have your parents sign forms allowing the medical providers to discuss the patient with you.
Honoring my parents can be difficult when they are being stubborn. I have to remind myself that they made sacrifices for me and I know I was not always as appreciative as I should have been. The roles are reversed but we still must work hard to love and respect where each of us now are.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Take Time to Enjoy Life
Years ago a song was popular entitled "You've Got To Stop and Smell the Roses". To endure the long road of saying goodbye to our loved one, we must take time to find some joy in life.
For me I have found that frequent visits with my lively granddaughters always brings balance into my life. My heartaches are soothed by their hugs, laughter and antics. Over the last several months I have explored the zoo twice, danced, painted stepping stones, had tea parties, sewed for a doll, gone fishing, panned for gold and been smothered in hugs and kisses by these wonderful little girls.
Find what encourages you and keeps you healthy. When in the car I have a favorite CD by Kari Jobe that ministered to my soul. A precious friend allows me to use her pool to do water aerobics. I am a better support to my parents when I take care of myself.
Find the roses along your path and take time to stop and smell them.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Today I will take a lighter tone. Let me set this up by describing my Mom prior to Alzheimer's disease. She was always a no nonsense kind of person. The house was immaculate. She was very much about appearance and that included how her children acted in public. I am somewhat of an introvert and do not like drawing attention to myself.
Now we fast forward to a scene last spring. I had been staying with Mom for a couple of days to give my dad a reprieve. He was returning home that evening. Mom's favorite outing was to go to Wendy's to get a hamburger and frosty. I had saved this for when I needed to pull it out of my toolbox of tricks to keep her calm and content. She was constantly asking where Dad was so we tried to redirect by going to Wendy's.
Mom was settled at the table. She had eaten her burger and was sitting quietly at the table waiting on her frosty. I came back with two. She was struggling to feed herself and was refusing help. Needless to say, her frosty went off the table and rolled under it. To keep her from having an outburst I crawled under the table to recover it. (This is not an easy task for someone who is over 50). Then I heard giggles. I looked up and there was Mom peering under the table and waving at me. At this point all of my dignity was gone so I giggled and waved back. I told her that I would get her another one but she simply smiled and said, "I will just eat yours". She then did just that.
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